Being a human is weird.
Most of you are well aware that we had a derecho blow through.For 4 days, I cut trees and cleaned branches and called contractors and insurance agents and adjusters.
My body hurt. I sweat profusely. I was in a hightened state of awareness, worried that more limbs would fall and actually hurt someone.
And ... some part of me absolutely loved it.
Today the electricity is on and I'm back to work. I'm cool and caffeinated and staring at the beautiful screens that constitute the bulk of my life. Things are getting back to normal.
And I'm ... horribly depressed?
Not looking for sympathy. It's fine. These things (depression/anxiety) come, they visit for a while, and they go on their way. I've learned to separate from them and let them be what they are until they aren't anymore.
What's weird, though, is the very fact that I'm depressed. I should be exuberant. Power's on. It's the 4th of July week. I have vacation coming. I can play video games watch YouTube and microwave lunches and charge my phone.
But I'm not exuberant. I want to turn the power back off. I want to leave my desk and go do something with my body, and feel powerfully connected with the earth and a part of a community. I want to feel how rewarding it is to work with people I love, and make progress toward a goal.
It's almost like I'm mourning this brief time, uncomfortable as it was, where I got to be an actual human.
I've known for a long time that I was kind of living my life wrong. I just don't know what to do about it.
I keep telling myself "3 more years." (That's how long until my youngest graduates HS)
Oh, well. Back to the money machine...
Happy Monday, kids.
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
