Anxiety, Acceptance, Ash Wednesday

Again: I'm not writing this to benefit you. I'm writing because I need to write. But if you benefit, God bless <3 

I've written about this before, but I keep coming back to it.

https://englishverse.com/poems/ash_wednesday
The first time I recall encountering this poem was when reading a book by Karen Armstrong called "The Spiral Staircase". In it, she goes on a life journey similar in many ways to my own.

Over and over I come back to a few lines in this poem.

"Blessèd sister, holy mother, spirit of the fountain, spirit of the garden,
Suffer us not to mock ourselves with falsehood
Teach us to care and not to care
Teach us to sit still
Even among these rocks,
Our peace in His will"

Unless I should live to be 104, I'm well beyond middle aged. Yet, somehow, I'm still trying to learn to care without caring, and to sit still; my peace in His will. Even that statement reflects my impatience with my own predicament: "I'm 52 years old, and I still haven't learned ..." * angrily shakes fist at sky like old geezer that I am*

I more often need reminded than taught.

I need reminded to care without caring. I need reminded to let a thing break my heart or fill me to bursting with anxiety or rage; and to realize that I don't have to turn away from it.

I can be angry or heartbroken without changing the way I hold someone in my heart.
I can be anxious to the point of having an out of body experience, and just sit with it, having the experience, letting it be what it is until it isn't anymore.
I can burst into tears that make my body heave and quake, let them subside, then get up and do the next thing on today's list.

I think a lot of people do this very naturally. For me, it's a journey.

Blessèd sister, holy mother, spirit of the fountain, spirit of the garden,
Suffer us not to mock ourselves with falsehood
Teach us to care and not to care
Teach us to sit still
Even among these rocks,
Our peace in His will.