Joseph the Fatherless

 

I was raised in church. Like, literally. 3 times a week + 6-7 day “revivals” a couple times a year + 1 week VBS + summer camps + teen retreats + whatever-else-came-along.

While everybody else was watching the ’85 bears win the super bowl, I was one of, as I recall, 3 or 4 people in church, two of whom were my mom and I. ON SUNDAY *NIGHT*.  The preacher didn’t even want to be there. I could tell.

At some point, via all this emersion, I suppose, I became a company man. I believed, baby. Whatever they said, I believed it. I mean, it MUST be right. He’s standing on an elevated platform in a business suite in front of a cross and an American flag waving a Bible, for Heaven’s sake. He *MUST* be speaking truth.

I’ll never forget listening to a preacher decrying the state of our society, the decay, the decadence, the Satanic influence, the “illegitimate” children.

I hadn’t seen Austin Powers yet; but if I had, I’m sure my response would have been “Ouch, baby. Very ouch”. Illegitimate ... that's me...

By that time, I suppose, I was beginning to understand that I wasn’t like other kids. In the late ‘70’s or early ‘80’s in my rural community, kids had a mom and a dad. Period.

Or, at the least, they knew who their dad WAS.

Not me, though. Nope. No idea. Never met the guy. Don't even know his name. 

Sadly, that was by no means the worst of it.

My mind was highly analytical and critical, and yet utterly awash in unintelligible sophism that I was too terrified to question. That combination produced a clear and unavoidable result: I shouldn’t exist.

I was a symptom of all that is wrong in the world. I AM the rejection of God’s plan. I embody the great fall of our civilization. The man on the elevated platform in front of the cross and the flag wore the business suite, waved his bible, looked me right in the eye, and told me so. 

If two people hadn’t flipped Almighty God the bird and gone out and SINNED, I wouldn’t exist.

Wouldn’t exist. Shouldn’t exist.

I’m never sure how much of my dumb-fuckery is caused by condition x, and how much of my awareness of condition x is just my innate dumb-fuckery looking for a reason to exist, but here’s the deal: I had LOTS of dumb-fuckery, and it seems to have largely related to all of this in some way. 

I worked hard for many years, and I thought I’d sort of dealt with this and moved on. We can’t wallow in things forever. At some point, we need to say, “well, yeah, that sucked. Glad it’s over.”, and get on with it.

Which brings me to the present time.

Today I was finally able to look deeply at some problems I’ve been having in relationships. I emphasize the *I*. These problems are clearly not the fault of the other people. They are MY problems. 

I examine it, and I see this …  what? Cause? Condition? Commonality? Call it what you like, I suppose.

I’m not sure what I’m going to do with that. My initial reaction is to be so incredibly sad that those people who happily brain-raped the innocent for all of those years are somehow still speaking through my mouth, and so long after I thought I’d dealt with it and moved on.

This is normally where I turn this into something positive for people who are going through something similar. 

I'd say something like, "the people who are making you feel unworthy or unlovable or 'illegitimate' are DEAD WRONG. Cast off those chains." 

I just can't do that, though. Not yet. I can't tell you "this is how you do it", because clearly I haven't done it, yet . 

I’m going to sit quietly with this. I'm going to be still, and keep it company. The mud will settle. The right action will arise of its own accord. The energetic, emotional, and psychological patterns will disintegrate. I've seen it before. I've done it before. The process begins. So be it. 

I don’t want this new flaw, having come to light, to obscure my view of how far I’ve come, though. I’ve done well.

I remember so much anger, bitterness and hatred. Especially hatred - reserved primarily for for myself. For what? Being human? For existing?  For existing.

I lived long with so many regrets forged in decisions made out of desperation to just stop the pain.

But also,  I kept battling. I fell often, but I generally fell forward. I looked at the problem, worked hard to see it for what it was, and did the work to resolve it, over and over again.

And, ultimately, I made some decisions that I *AM* proud of. In spite of myself, I managed to become roughly the man I always wanted to be. I've kept some promises that were important to me. I've done alright.

They can’t have me anymore. I don’t want to be angry or resentful. I’m sure they were doing the best they knew. But, they can’t have me anymore.

They don’t get to decide what is an acceptable reality. They’ve proven themselves too given to magical thinking.

They’ve proven themselves too inobservant and unrealistic regarding the behavior of others, and too divorced from reality concerning their own.

They don’t get to decide what society should look like. They’ve proven too eager to throw away their own convictions when the situation calls for it, or toss aside the very Gospel when it conflicts with their instincts or their politics.

They don’t get to decide what is and is not *legitimate*.

 I am free.  

I hope you're right about Covid-19

 I hope you're right.

I hope it's just overblown, breathless nonsense concocted by the liberal media.

I hope this is all a hoax that the libtards cooked up when they got bored with peddling climate change.

I hope it's a Machiavellian plot by the DNC to get the mighty Trump out of office.

I hope that it's no worse than the flu.

I hope that Biden goes to jail and the world acknowledges that the election was stolen and Trump gets back in office and can can put everything right with the world again.

I hope that Obama was born in Kenya.

I hope he's a Muslim and a terrorist and a radical.

I hope that the 2008 bailout really was a government takeover of the auto industry and we've all just failed to see it.

I hope that Sharia law takes over. No, wait. I hope that it was really going to, but then was somehow thwarted by Rush Limbaugh as his last, heroic, dying act. Or something.

I hope that Fox News announces an investigative report of all the people that were killed by the death panels in the healthcare bill.

I hope that Elvis is still alive, that he's happily married to a mermaid, and that they're living in the sound studio that was used to film the moon landings.

Honestly, I'm not even joking. I really hope that, because it's the last hope we have.

You'd better be right. You have to be right. Because there is no opportunity for any other course than the one we're on.

I've never wanted more to be wrong, because it looks to me like people are lying to you and laughing all the way to the bank.

... Again ...

It looks to me like the vaccine is way < 100% effective.

It looks to me like ain't nobody gonna be wearing no goddam masks to make sure they don't give a deadly respiratory infection to their friends and neighbors - a respiratory infection that is even more serious than last year; that took at least 6 people I knew in 2020, and that hospitalized four others. (2 of which still haven't "bounced back")

You guys are in charge. Seriously. You on the right. You run the world, or at least the part I live in.

You'd better be right.

You'd better be right, or this is going to get really ugly really fast.

Covid-19 in Lee County

 I don't even know how to put this into words, so I'm just going to start writing and see what develops.

Someone close to me (very close, but to remain nameless) told me about a coworker who died of Covid-19. She was in her 40's.

I was just on a meeting with a friend/colleague who told me her bother-in-law died of Covid-19. He was in his 40's.

I understand being distrustful of big for-profit pharmaceutical agencies and the government agencies that are charged with regulating them. I really, really do. Somewhere there's a picture of me signing a book that I wrote entitled "I don't trust for-profit pharma or the government agencies tasked with regulating it, by Joe Hayes."

I understand being upset about mask mandates. Nobody likes being told what to do.

What I don't understand, what I REALLY don't understand, is actually needing a mask mandate. Why are we not falling all over ourselves to put a harmless piece of cloth across our face in the hopes that it might, even just maybe, protect our friends and community from this wrecking-ball of a respiratory infection.

But then, here's me. I'm not wearing one, either. The social pressures of living in an area where we don't believe in moon landings *OR* the efficacy of masks, and being the only one wearing a mask most places I went, became too much. I comfort myself by saying I'm fully vaccinated so I don't need a mask. I don't think I really believe that, though. I think I just became exhausted from the stares and the feeling of freakishness of being the only one in a room with a mask on. Oh, and by the way, when I'm the only one in the room with a mask on, it's nearly 100% pointless. (Not quite, but nearly)

I'm just so overwhelmed with sadness, disappointment, and yes, anger ... that the people who started off not believing Covid-19 even existed then moved on to thinking it's just the flu or that masks would bring about the mark of the beast or were a government plot to take away our freedoms, and that they *STILL* don't appear to have sort of looked around, realized that they were taken for a ride, and come back to sanity. (Am I wrong? Maybe they have and I just don't see it) And, again, why would mandates even be needed? Masks are such a simple, harmless, obvious thing to do ... :-( How hard do you actually have to work to not see that?

I'm so sad to realize that they're going to keep listening to the people who have told them these things, and quite the opposite of holding them accountable for the destruction they've contributed to, they're going to find ways to deny a connection, and to keep believing them when they say new, destructive, untrue things, because it's all just a team sport, and who cares if we burn the world down as long as our team is winning? :-/

I'm so incredibly disappointed to realize that we're just sort of letting people die, because people thought they could make political hay out of Covid-19, or spread nonsense on their talk show or YouTube channel, and laugh all the way to the bank.

We're just letting people die, because fuck your feelings, I guess.

It's so goddam weird to me.

And this is where I live. I feel like Spock on the Enterprise, one eyebrow raised quizzically, trying to figure out what makes you "humans" tick.

It's just so goddam weird to me.

9/11, Afghanistan, and the question of nation building

 When 9/11 happened, I remember telling my wife that we would definitely find some country to invade and invade it, and there was nothing that could stop that, because we were hurt and frightened and angry. 100%, that's what was going to happen. (And it did).

My HOPE was that we would, given some time; settle down enough to realize this was a new kind of conflict, evaluate how best to prosecute a conflict where tanks and bombs were bit-players next to the primary role of intelligence, and ultimately develop that capability. I still HOPE that this happened, and there is certainly evidence that we are more capable at spotting potential attacks on our soil than we were before. Internationally? I don't see any evidence of this, but that may well be by design.

OH! And then we invaded Iraq. :-/

I might be the only person you'll ever hear say this, but I think George H.W. Bush (Bush 41, not Bush 43) was the best president of my lifetime. He lived through WW2 and the cold war. He served and he lead. He got it.

I listened to him (and Colin Powell, who I respected immensely at one time) tell me "Say we go "all the way to Baghdad". What then? Well, you broke it, you bought it. We'll be there for 20-30 years, and we'll lose 2-3 people per week the entire time we're there. And then when we leave, the entire region will destabilize and we'll be replaced by something even worse than before we arrived."

I see friends arguing whether Biden f'd this up, or if it's somehow Trump's fault. I honestly, and humbly, think you're missing the plot.

We've *GOT* to finally learn the lesson of Viet Nam. (And Afghanistan, and Iraq, and even Iran if you're familiar with that history).

Every time we engage in "nation building", it goes horribly wrong. We wreck a generation of beautiful young people, the same pattern plays out, and things end up worse.

Please, "We the People" ... learn this, and demand that our leaders understand it, as GHW Bush did.

The next time they're talking about it, raise a ruckus. Don't let them do this, again, to our young patriots who want to serve.

Imposter Syndrome

There are a lot of things in my life I don't get right. Honestly, it's a really long list.

However, one of the things I feel like I'm pretty good at is overcoming imposter syndrome.

My methods, in case you would find them of benefit, follow.

1) Get comfortable with the idea that you're an idiot. Sorry. I don't make the rules 🤷 There's too much to know and nobody knows it all.

2) Be observant enough to recognize that everyone else is an idiot, too.

3) Be humble enough to say, "I don't know that yet, let's learn it together."

4) Be generous enough to share openly the things that you do know, even with people who might be in competition with you at some level. Their success is your success, and inhibiting their career growth is a bad move.

Again, there are all sorts of things I'm not in a good at, but I do this fairly naturally, and it's served me well.

Best of luck

A reminder from Thich Nhat Hanh ...

https://youtu.be/u24OR-FN78w?t=760 (12:40) ... "One day, a leader of the native American community came to me. We met in Vermont, and he invited me to join him in Europe and others to speak about the plight, the suffering of the native Americans, to draw the attention of the world to that suffering. I invited [him] to sit down and have a cup of tea with me, and very slowly I tried to tell him that the first step is not that. The first step is that he go home to his community and help his community to practice these kind of basic things; like the 5 mindfulness trainings: creating brotherhood, sisterhood, awakening ... to free our selves from wrong perceptions, from discrimination. Because, discrimination does not only exist in them. Discrimination does exist in each of us. We have both Hell and Paradise in us. They also [do]. So, if we are capable of touching paradise and transforming hell in us, we will be able to help them touch the paradise in them and transform hell in them. They are no longer our enemies. They are the people we want to help. But, we have to help our self first. It's not a problem of protesting. Because we can see them as victims of their wrong perceptions, of their own ignorance, and fear, and violence. And that is why, to me, it is very very crucial, it is very urgent to go home to ourselves, and to our community, and to begin the real practice. "

Race Riots

I'd like to think of myself as a pretty decent human being. I keep my lawn mowed, raise my kids, and go to work every day. I'm a good husband to one woman. I donate my time and my treasure to the organizations and people I believe in. I try to help people where I can. 

But, here's the deal: 

If you hit me, as much as I might try to turn the other cheek, I might hit you back. If you hit me repeatedly after I've told you you're hurting me, that likelihood goes up.

If you target my children, my friends, my family, the likelihood of me hitting back becomes greater still.

If you kill my children, well ... God knows what I might do.

If you hold my head under water long enough, I'm going to become violent trying to escape.

You would, too, and if you have any sense at all, you know it.

If you make someone sufficiently angry and hopeless, particularly if they're young and male, they're going to flip the table and burn the world down. This is well documented sociology. 

It's human nature. It's not good. It's not bad. It's not any other value judgement you'd like to place on it. It simply *IS*.