I'm not writing this to benefit you. I'm writing it because I need to write. 🤷
Still, some part of me hopes that someone finds this and takes some small benefit from it. May God bless you .
My journey of anxiety has gone through many phases. I suppose they're reminiscent of the phases of grief.
Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
To set the background, I have severe anxiety attacks. A doctor I had said I had the worst case of depression anxiety he'd ever seen. I don't doubt him. At some point I had become full-on agoraphobic.
The first time I had an anxiety attack, I was like “ no way, man. Not me. I'm big Joe Hayes. That s***'s for girls. “ - denial.
I've spent so much time angry over the last 23 years. 23 years. Almost half my life. Jesus.
I would characterize the bargaining phase as the part where I just really worked at it. I prayed. Good Lord did I pray. I meditated. I exercised. I practiced self-hypnosis. I dutifully took the myriad of pills they gave me until the side effects of each one in its course became intolerable. I tried to rededicate my life to God and revisit what at one time I thought was my calling in life. - bargaining
And sweet fluffy pancakes! … the depression.
So much shame. So many wonderful moments in life ruined or lost. Such an abrupt end to a promising career. Such terrible impact on my wife and young children. So much hopelessness.
Which, I suppose, brings me to acceptance. Have more or less accepted that this is the way it is. I have to find a way to work with it. Today I did something that was very triggering of anxiety attacks. I did what I could to lessen the impact, and then powered through it, having anxiety attacks as I went. It's a hell of a way to live, but I suppose it's how this goes.
The one phase that the stages of grief don't mention is “complaining” 😉.
I have so many complaints. Endless complaints. Valid complaints. My biggest complaint at this point, though, is just that it's so f****** exhausting. It is so incredibly exhausting to have to fight through anxiety attacks to do simple things like go to an appointment or go to a basketball game or go to the store to buy something. I live my life in a state of perpetual exhaustion on a scale that I just cannot even explain, and I'm so terribly depleted and utterly used up and I just don't get to stop. Ever.
I'm so tired of spending my days wanting to cry. I'm so tired of all the things that people look forward to like they're going to be a big fun thing, I look forward to it as just one more thing I have to get through.
So, that's complaining.
Maybe there's another phase. Maybe there's a phase after " I just have to power through this “. Maybe a day comes when I wake up and can just do the things I need to do without having to fight this battle.
Maybe the next phase lies in the words I just said. Maybe it's not so much a new phase, but the return of hope for a new phase.
Just some glimmer.
